Burnout Feels Like
Drowning
Like flinging and flailing and gasping for breath. Some days it feels like I’m floating facedown in the water. Waiting for rescue or waiting for death.
I can’t even remember what it felt like to swim.
Defeat
Burnout tells me leaving my job and moving to Guatemala is the ultimate failure, not a dream fulfilled.
Like I’ve fought the battle and lost.
Like I’ve given up on getting better.
Not that I have failed, but that I am failure, will always be a failure.
Depression
Like not sleeping, not hoping, not caring.
Like laziness and anxiety, lethargy and restlessness, all rolled into one.
And crying, lots and lots of crying.
Loss
Like losing my dream job.
Losing my identity.
Losing my passion.
Losing my joy.
Losing my self-efficacy.
Losing my mind.
Burnout feels like I’ve turned into a drama queen.
Writing this I know I sound melodramatic, but that’s what burnout has done to me. It really feels like this, and most days I can’t see past it. Most days it’s the only story I believe. The only story I have energy to believe.
It’s why I started this blog—to share a different story, a better story. To share the story of God’s transforming love. To share a story that doesn’t end in the burnout and the failing and the flailing. To remind myself that, as hard as it is to see past all of this, I can hope for the future. That the God who opened the doors for my dream job for a time will again plant the seed of hope and joy and passion in my heart. That He is not done with me. That He does not fail. That He does not flounder. That He will not give up on me.
That He will restore my joy.
Before Jesus started his ministry, God said of him: “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” Matthew 3:17
Before Jesus performed miracles. Before he raised the dead. Before he called out the Pharisees. Before he fed the 5,000. Before he died on the cross. God was well pleased.
I know I’m no Jesus, but today I’d like to hope that God feels this way about all of his children. That God feels this way about me.
As I reflect on the poisons of burnout, I write in the antidote. I remember the Love. And I paste it on my mirror, write it in my journal, replace the endless word loop of criticism with this declaration of love. This is the story I will choose to believe.
“This is my daughter, Aly, whom I love; with her I am well pleased.”
Assault of the Suit
This weekend I was assaulted by a suit--a bathing suit that is.
Most people living in landlocked cities with normal seasons can safely tuck away their bathing suits after the first brusque fall day and don't have to dig them out until after spring. They have ample time to whip their bodies into swimsuit shape before exposing their skin to the surf, sun, and scrutiny of their 100 closest beach going friends.
We poor citizens of Southern California have no such luck.
Our bodies must be tanned and primed and ready at all times. EVEN IN MARCH.
This weekend San Diego charmed us with near 80-degree beach weather. For those of you reading who don't live in Southern California, please hear me out before you roll your eyes and stop listening.
It was rough. Are you ready to sport a swimsuit? Like right now? I didn't think so.
I'm pretty good at not being swayed by pop culture. I've never been an impulsive shopper. I'm pretty responsible with my money. I've always been a step behind the latest fashion craze and that suits me fine. It took me three years to even consider wearing skinny jeans. I'm not vain or particularly shallow. I fall hard for guys with sharp minds, not guys with sharp abs. I don't let culture dictate what I buy or how I spend my money, what type of job I should have, what kind of people are cool enough to be my friends.
But somehow, somewhere, this idea that skinny equals sexy and sexy equals valuable has buried itself deep, deep within my heart and made itself at home.
Jessica Skinner, in her incredible book Hungry: One Woman’sBattle with and Victory over Anorexia and Bulimia, wrote, "Every day messages pour in, telling us that our bodies should always be diligently and aggressively attacked, reduced, slimmed, and chiseled. You should be embarrassed if it's not."
This Saturday at the beach, I was embarrassed.
The "winter" months have meant less daylight, less workout time, less vigilance in the attack on my body (which, one could argue, is a not a bad thing). Nevertheless I felt utterly unprepared for two 5-hour, bathing suit clad beach days in a row.
And I was embarrassed.
It's not a vanity issue. It's an identity issue.
By Sunday I began to believe the lie that if I don't look exactly like the photoshopped cover girls we chuckled at in my post on Friday, I am ugly and worthless and should be embarrassed. Of course when I say it out loud or type it out for this post, it sounds ridiculous. Of course I don't really intellectually consent to this statement. But for all intents and purposes, I believe it. I live it. My mood plummets as my perception of body fat rises.
I let myself be assaulted by the suit.
The lies creep in when I forget that my identity, my worth, my value, comes from God alone. And that my beauty is found in reflecting Him alone.
One way to remember is to redefine beauty. To rewrite the story of my worth.
To live a new definition of beauty—true beauty, real beauty, the only beauty that really matters. Beauty that is not contingent on workout regiments, tan skin, or toned abs. Beauty encompassed in the following qualities:
- Confidence--being comfortable in my own skin
- Radiating compassion
- Looking beyond the mirror to the heart
- My heart at rest--not seeking, not striving, just being
- A joyful attitude
- Knowing I'm loved and loving myself
- Freedom from envy and comparisons
- Creativity and worship
- Having a heart that breaks for others
- Allowing the truth that is inside of me to stream out
And so today, safely covered in business casual, I seek to cultivate this beauty and am thankful that my worth is not tied up in the strings of a bikini.
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What about you? Can you relate to bathing suit assault? How do you define or redefine beauty? What lies do you believe about your worth?