More?

That day on the beach, the sun burning into the back of my neck, You said to me, 

"I dare you to say 'I want more.' " 

Am I ready to say it?

Am I ready to mean it?

What have I done with what you've given me that I could dare ask for more? 

Ungrateful or unhopeful? 

Why does it have to be an "un"?

What about the thanks that you take and make more than enough? Am I allowed to be dissatisfied? Discontent? 

If the darkness shall be the light and the stillness the dancing then when?

It's still. And it's quiet.

All questions.

Searching seeking grasping. 

Begging for a drop of the confidence I used to wield. Begging for freedom from the expectations I've chained myself to. From the lies that tell me if I don't perform. If I don't persevere. I am nothing. 

I am not allowed to ask for more.

Or for help. 

You say to me, "I will restore your joy."

When? Where? 

Clutching grasping gripping. 

I strangle these lies. Choke them to death. 

When all you're asking is for me to peel back my sticky fingers, one at a time, and let these lies go free. 

You dare me to say "I want more."

I look down at my knuckles, clenched white, and, unbreathing, I beg you for the grace of self-preservation to say, 

I want more. 

You Are Still Loved

Turns out your warranty is not up.

You are STILL loved.

I needed to hear this today and I thought you may need to as well.

Nothing's changed.

You have been loved for a very long time. And you will be loved for a very long time.

Good news, huh?

My Life Was Better Before My Iphone

Before I checked my email in bed.

Before the ceaseless alerts of every Facebook message and like and friend request.

Before I played Scramble with Friends, the words reflecting in the glow of my glasses late into the night.

Before I knew the day's forecast cuddled in my sheets, no need to open the window to let in the day's mostly sunny partly cloudy qualities to see for myself.

Before group text ping ding donged from each room in my house.

Before GPS slashed time and distance and adventure indiscriminately.

Before relentless reachability.

Maybe not before Instagram.