1. Those few hours without the Paw Patrol theme song being belted out at the top of his lungs (oh wait, the two-year-old will still repeat "I'm Callie and you Katie" all day long.)

2. That pep in your step as you fill up a TO GO mug with coffee for preschool drop off. That is, if the memory of going places doesn’t make you depressed.

3. That pride you feel when you ENJOY making small talk with the masked teachers and other parents dropping off their kids. A person! To talk to! Who won't mention Paw Patrol or tell you how you didn't cut their sandwich correctly. You might even give your introverted self a pat on the back for all of your #pandemicgrowth.

4. That realization that there is a 0% chance that you will yell at, want to hit, or give your child an "I just can't even" exasperated sigh if said child is not present to receive this wrath.

5. Actually, there's a good chance this wrath may dissipate almost completely in the child’s absence.

6. The hope that your child might learn how to use a public restroom standing up and that you will not be forever “pointing his penis down” as he pees and then pulling his pants back up. One can dream.

7. The joy when he tells you what he did in class and what the weird, yet endearing artwork with orange and purple painted dots that he brought home means. We have not yet reached this day. He is still punishing us for sending him to school in the first place. “You shouldn’t have gone home,” he still says. “Then you would know what I did.”

8. The day when he complains that it’s NOT a preschool day and you feel absolved from that first blustery drop off when he cried and looked so small and vulnerable in his miniature puffer jacket and mask and whimpered as you left. (Like number 7, this day is still hypothetical, but I am anticipating that it will feel great. So far, we have progressed from not liking preschool at all to “I still don’t like preschool a little bit,” which is actually a big shift for a little boy who operates in extremes and absolutes.)

9. The alone time with Sissy that you realize you’ve never actually had. Girlfriend is smarter and funnier than you knew AND she still takes naps. You would never name favorites, but we all know the future is female.

10. That feeling when you actually MISS him and can’t wait to hear about his day. When the house feels “too quiet” without his singing or his questions and you find yourself wondering what he’s doing this very minute. When resentment blossoms into enjoyment. When you end up better able to love him, and his sister, and yourself.

I struggled with this decision for a long time, then waited on a preschool waiting list even longer. But it might be the greatest act of self-care I've done as a mother so far, and especially in this season.  Oh, also he might make friends and not be terrified of TK and actually learn a thing or two, but, hey, that would be icing on the cake.

Written as a response to a Rhthym writing prompt - find other responses by searching #rhythmwriting2021 on Instagram.